The Gift of Conversation: Empowering Women for Personal & Financial Success

Merry Brown
Third Party Workplace Conflict Restorative Services

The quality of our lives is directly proportional to the quality of our relationships. Healthy and strong relationships are built and maintained through intentional, meaningful conversations.

There are all kinds of conversations. Many are simply exchanges of information, such as, “Our newest team member is being on boarded this week,” or, “The kids have a half day tomorrow at school and need to be picked up at 11:15 a.m.” Yet, if we pay attention and lean into our interactions with others, we will find there are opportunities to give the gift of meaningful conversations.

A conversation is a gift because it takes your decision to create a space to be present, invested, and engaged with your conversation partner. Therefore, this gift of conversation is not simply transactional, a giver to receiver, but a destination gift, an experience, which requires the participants to both be engaged and active in the dialogue.

Intentional conversations strengthen our relationships, building resilience. A meaningful conversation is not just for close family and friends. We can hold meaningful work appropriate conversations that build collegiality and collaboration with our colleagues at work and in the community.

What the Gift of Conversation Looks Like: In the everyday

There are plenty of opportunities to connect with those around you in everyday conversations.

Start by being curious. Ask open-ended questions, practicing active listening. Be mindful of your body language. And instead of just firing off questions like an interview, aim for a real dialogue. When you are present, invested, and engaged in a conversation, you’re not just sharing information, you’re building a connection.

Consider the following examples:

At Work:  Imagine you are deciding about the best use of marketing funds for an upcoming event. Assume, also, that you are more than capable of making this decision because you’ve been in the organization for 4 years and are the head of marketing. Now imagine you decide to bring one or two of your team members into your office and hold a meaningful conversation with them, asking them their opinions, asking for their rationale, and you giving yours. Chances are that the outcome of how to spend the funds will be better because two heads are better than one. But, even if the outcome of how to spend the money would’ve been the same if you hadn’t asked for input, you have gained insight about your team members and strengthen those relationships, fostering a sense of collaboration and shared purpose. Healthy work environments and trust with our colleagues are built step-by-step, through our everyday interactions.

At Home: Picture yourself deciding, by yourself, how much to give to charities at the end of the year. Now contrast that with sitting down with your partner or family, engaging them in a dialogue about who to give to and how much. This is an opportunity to invite your loved ones into a conversation, fostering and strengthening connections.

When Conversations Are Difficult

Not every conversation is easy. A conversation is difficult if it is hard for you. The difficulty rarely (if ever) has to do with the topic of conversation, but about who you are at that moment in time and who you are having the conversation with. When holding a difficult conversation, remember that the problem is the problem, not the person.

For instance, what if one person in the family is concerned about spending money during the holidays, and the other loves to splurge? I can imagine a family where this is a simple, non-emotional conversation. But what if there have been years of miscommunication about holiday spending and feelings of being misunderstood because one person in the family is filled with anxiety about the spending habits of the other, and the other person feels their partner is irrational about money and too uptight.

When you are in an unmanaged conflict with someone, this calls for a thoughtful approach, guided by three steps: plan, dialogue, and restoration.

1. Plan: Before beginning any difficult conversation, start by getting curious and clear on specifically what your issue is. Ask yourself how you feel about this situation and imagine how the other person may feel. Be clear as to what you hope to achieve through the conversation. Also consider they other person’s point of view and what your role is in this conflict. Preparing yourself with these answers will help you to deescalate yourself to stay focused and calm during the conversation.

2. Dialogue: Once you’ve properly (and thoroughly) prepared yourself, invite the other person to have a genuine conversation with you. Start by getting straight to the point. Taking the holiday budgeting as an example, you could begin the dialogue with something like: “I’ve noticed we have different feelings about holiday spending. Can we talk about it?” Then listen, really listen, to the other person’s perspective. Explain your own needs but avoid placing blame or starting an argument. The goal here is to understand each other better to address the problematic behavior to reach a restorative outcome.

3. Restoration: Once you’ve laid everything out, work together to find a win-win solution. In the case of the holiday spending issue, maybe the solution is a compromise on the budget or finding creative ways to give thoughtful, inexpensive gifts. Whatever the solution is, it is to be found through the process of the dialogue. Recap your collaborative decision, making sure everyone knows their role in the solution, and thank each other for engaging in the conversation.